Post by Rebecca on Sept 7, 2004 13:08:55 GMT
I was browsing around that Fortress place that's on the History section, and I found this in one of the old posts I thought it was pretty funny. And seeing as I adore Snape to bits, thought I'd post it for you all to see.
THINGS SNAPE WILL NOT DO IN THE NEXT TWO BOOKS:
1. The macerana.
2. "Minerva, will you marry me?"
3. "I'm sorry I tried to hurt you Lupin, I love you man!"
4. Wear a pink set of robes.
5. Get the Defense Agenst the Dark Arts job.
6. Root for the Gryffindor team at Quidditch.
7. Braid his hair.
8. Wash his hair.
9. Take the Kwickspell course.
10. Sing the 'Oscar Mayor Wiener Song'.
11. Quit his job and go to New York to fulfil his childhood dream of dancing on Broadway.
12. Willingly tutor Neville.
13. Take points away from Slytherien.
14. Break into song in the middle of class.
15. Help Lupin start a 'Werewolf support group'.
16. Make a joke.
17. Glare at Harry and say: "You are the weakest link. Goodbye!"
18. Paint his face Slytherien colors and act like an American football fan at Quidditch matches.
19. Have a dream about going to work naked.
20. Teach the magical properties of raspberry tarts.
21. "Harry, I am your uncle." (Like Darth Vador)
22. Slap Fudge. (Though we all want to, you know you want to!)
23. Walk down the corridors of Hogwarts humming the 'Woody Woodpecker Show' theme song.
24. Sincerely apologize to Hermione for calling her a 'insufferable know-it-all'.
25. Sincerely apologize.
26. Teach class in a green frilly dress, with crimson handbag and vulture topped hat.
27. Quote from Dr. Suess's books.
28. Give no homework to anyone over any holidays.
29. Secretly send Trelawny love letters.
30. Sing 'La Cookoracha'.
31. Teach muggle magic tricks in class. "Whats that behind your ear, Draco?"
32. Give a Slytherien detention.
33. Adopt Harry.
34. Hand out non-poisoned candy at Halloween.
35. Doodle on the chalkboard in class when he gets bored.
36. Start a Slytherien-only choir. Harry: "I liked the sound the egg made above water better then this *BEEP!*"
37. Knit.
38. Buy something from Zonko's and chuck it at Mrs. Norris.
39. Invest in Weasly's Wizard Wheezes.
40. Become a Tree-Hugger. Madam Pomphrey: "Professor Snape, you need to stop hugging the Whomping Willow."
41. Bring a 'Sing Along with John Denver' CD to class.
42. Have the class Sing along with John Denver.
43. Put a want ad in the Daily Prophet. S/W/M looking for Single Woman who can handle cynical, greasy slimball. Preferably Non-Smoker.
44. Have an affair with Professor Sprout.
45. Call Mr. Malfoy a 'Half-witted idiot'. (Isn't it true, though?)
46. Offer Voldemort Chocolate roses and a card on Valentine’s Day.
47. Wear a pink-purpke-poka-dotted muumuu.
48. Transfigure Malfoy into a Ferret and throw him out the north tower.
49. Move to Seattle and start a Starbucks.
50. Get a green mohawk.
51. Set his hair on fire. You know how those grease fires can be. 52. Tap dance.
53. Start Open Mike Nights in the Great Hall.
54. Head the Friday Poetry readings in Trelawney's classroom. "Roses are red, violets are blue. I am a slimeball and that is so true."
55. Get the Dark Mark surgically removed.
56. Replace the Dark Mark with the classic 'Mom' tattoo.
57. Join Hell's Angels.
58. Do a commercial on Muggle Television endorsing Jif Peanut butter. "Choosy Moms choose Jif."
59. Announce to the school that his dad was a Muggle.
60. Chain himself to a tree to keep Muggles from cutting it down
61. Vacation in Bermuda. "Nice shorts, Professor."
62. Join the American Quidditch Team.
63. Become an Animagi. "Hmm... Should I be a the fluffy bunny rabbit, or the French poodle?"
64. Meet Rita Skeeter in the Leaky Cauldron because she answered his want ad.
65. Get plastered and moon the school.
66. Streak at the Hufflepuff vs. Ravenclaw Quidditch match.
67. Sit and ponder the meaning of life.
68. Ask Al Gore to teach him how to love.
69. Appear on Jay Leno. "Whats with the chin, Jay?" "Whats with the grease, Professor?"
70. Worry that the Penguins are stealing his sanity, one by one.
71. Plot with the Ninja Assassin monkeys.
72. Re-enact scenes from the 'Wizard of Oz'.
73. Sick the flying monkeys on Voldemort.
74. Sing 'Ontop of Spaghetti' with Binns.
75. Play a hamster-powered boombox.
76. Replace Simon Cowel on American Idol.
77. Sleep with a stuffed teddy bear named 'Bobo'.
78. Dress in Purple and sing the 'I Love You' song.
79. The Funky Chicken.
80. Embroider pink roses onto his cloak.
81. Invite Hadgrid to Tea and crumpets.
82. Eat one of Hadgrid's Rock Cakes and not break a tooth.
83. Become a door-to-door shampoo salesman.
84. Put Crookshanks on his lap, spin around in the chair, and say, "I've been waiting for you, Potter."
85. Go on a killing spree.
86. Go on a hugging spree.
87. Daydream about being Superman.
88. Miss Fred and George.
89. Blow up a toilet to fill the empty void of destruction that Fred and George left behind.
90. Bungi jump off of London Bridge.
91. Become a Ninja.
92. Become a guard for Buckingham Palace.
93. Hand out Filibuster Fireworks in class.
94. Play X-Box with Harry.
95. Run around Hogwarts like a headless chicken yelling 'The men in white coats are coming to get me! Help!'
96. Go to Trelawny for advice. "You will die, professor."
97. Join S.P.E.W.
98. Adopt a Muggle.
99. Yell 'SQIRREL POWER!'
100. Complement Hermione on her fine heritage.
101. Believe he has mystical kung-fu powers.
THINGS SNAPE WILL NOT DO IN THE NEXT TWO BOOKS:
1. The macerana.
2. "Minerva, will you marry me?"
3. "I'm sorry I tried to hurt you Lupin, I love you man!"
4. Wear a pink set of robes.
5. Get the Defense Agenst the Dark Arts job.
6. Root for the Gryffindor team at Quidditch.
7. Braid his hair.
8. Wash his hair.
9. Take the Kwickspell course.
10. Sing the 'Oscar Mayor Wiener Song'.
11. Quit his job and go to New York to fulfil his childhood dream of dancing on Broadway.
12. Willingly tutor Neville.
13. Take points away from Slytherien.
14. Break into song in the middle of class.
15. Help Lupin start a 'Werewolf support group'.
16. Make a joke.
17. Glare at Harry and say: "You are the weakest link. Goodbye!"
18. Paint his face Slytherien colors and act like an American football fan at Quidditch matches.
19. Have a dream about going to work naked.
20. Teach the magical properties of raspberry tarts.
21. "Harry, I am your uncle." (Like Darth Vador)
22. Slap Fudge. (Though we all want to, you know you want to!)
23. Walk down the corridors of Hogwarts humming the 'Woody Woodpecker Show' theme song.
24. Sincerely apologize to Hermione for calling her a 'insufferable know-it-all'.
25. Sincerely apologize.
26. Teach class in a green frilly dress, with crimson handbag and vulture topped hat.
27. Quote from Dr. Suess's books.
28. Give no homework to anyone over any holidays.
29. Secretly send Trelawny love letters.
30. Sing 'La Cookoracha'.
31. Teach muggle magic tricks in class. "Whats that behind your ear, Draco?"
32. Give a Slytherien detention.
33. Adopt Harry.
34. Hand out non-poisoned candy at Halloween.
35. Doodle on the chalkboard in class when he gets bored.
36. Start a Slytherien-only choir. Harry: "I liked the sound the egg made above water better then this *BEEP!*"
37. Knit.
38. Buy something from Zonko's and chuck it at Mrs. Norris.
39. Invest in Weasly's Wizard Wheezes.
40. Become a Tree-Hugger. Madam Pomphrey: "Professor Snape, you need to stop hugging the Whomping Willow."
41. Bring a 'Sing Along with John Denver' CD to class.
42. Have the class Sing along with John Denver.
43. Put a want ad in the Daily Prophet. S/W/M looking for Single Woman who can handle cynical, greasy slimball. Preferably Non-Smoker.
44. Have an affair with Professor Sprout.
45. Call Mr. Malfoy a 'Half-witted idiot'. (Isn't it true, though?)
46. Offer Voldemort Chocolate roses and a card on Valentine’s Day.
47. Wear a pink-purpke-poka-dotted muumuu.
48. Transfigure Malfoy into a Ferret and throw him out the north tower.
49. Move to Seattle and start a Starbucks.
50. Get a green mohawk.
51. Set his hair on fire. You know how those grease fires can be. 52. Tap dance.
53. Start Open Mike Nights in the Great Hall.
54. Head the Friday Poetry readings in Trelawney's classroom. "Roses are red, violets are blue. I am a slimeball and that is so true."
55. Get the Dark Mark surgically removed.
56. Replace the Dark Mark with the classic 'Mom' tattoo.
57. Join Hell's Angels.
58. Do a commercial on Muggle Television endorsing Jif Peanut butter. "Choosy Moms choose Jif."
59. Announce to the school that his dad was a Muggle.
60. Chain himself to a tree to keep Muggles from cutting it down
61. Vacation in Bermuda. "Nice shorts, Professor."
62. Join the American Quidditch Team.
63. Become an Animagi. "Hmm... Should I be a the fluffy bunny rabbit, or the French poodle?"
64. Meet Rita Skeeter in the Leaky Cauldron because she answered his want ad.
65. Get plastered and moon the school.
66. Streak at the Hufflepuff vs. Ravenclaw Quidditch match.
67. Sit and ponder the meaning of life.
68. Ask Al Gore to teach him how to love.
69. Appear on Jay Leno. "Whats with the chin, Jay?" "Whats with the grease, Professor?"
70. Worry that the Penguins are stealing his sanity, one by one.
71. Plot with the Ninja Assassin monkeys.
72. Re-enact scenes from the 'Wizard of Oz'.
73. Sick the flying monkeys on Voldemort.
74. Sing 'Ontop of Spaghetti' with Binns.
75. Play a hamster-powered boombox.
76. Replace Simon Cowel on American Idol.
77. Sleep with a stuffed teddy bear named 'Bobo'.
78. Dress in Purple and sing the 'I Love You' song.
79. The Funky Chicken.
80. Embroider pink roses onto his cloak.
81. Invite Hadgrid to Tea and crumpets.
82. Eat one of Hadgrid's Rock Cakes and not break a tooth.
83. Become a door-to-door shampoo salesman.
84. Put Crookshanks on his lap, spin around in the chair, and say, "I've been waiting for you, Potter."
85. Go on a killing spree.
86. Go on a hugging spree.
87. Daydream about being Superman.
88. Miss Fred and George.
89. Blow up a toilet to fill the empty void of destruction that Fred and George left behind.
90. Bungi jump off of London Bridge.
91. Become a Ninja.
92. Become a guard for Buckingham Palace.
93. Hand out Filibuster Fireworks in class.
94. Play X-Box with Harry.
95. Run around Hogwarts like a headless chicken yelling 'The men in white coats are coming to get me! Help!'
96. Go to Trelawny for advice. "You will die, professor."
97. Join S.P.E.W.
98. Adopt a Muggle.
99. Yell 'SQIRREL POWER!'
100. Complement Hermione on her fine heritage.
101. Believe he has mystical kung-fu powers.
Thankies Sealla!!