My First Attempt at Song Writing

[Telah]

Ok everyone this is my first attempt at writing a song. It is going to some what like the song
If I Could Be Like That by Three Doors Down when I get the guitar and vocals in. So if you've ever heard that song you will probibly get a better Idea of what the finised product will sound like. Anyway heres the lyrics, tell me what you think.

But You Fell In love



You’ve went your whole life without a mention
Living on your good intentions
But in this world it’s not what you’ve done
It’s who you are

Chorus
You could have been famous
Your name lit up on Broadway
You could have been a dancer
Your life moving a whole lot faster
You could have had money
You could have had fame
But you fell in love
But you fell in love

You met him back in high school
You looked at her and said she’s cool
You walked off hand it hand
Like you had your whole life planned

Chorus
You could have been famous
Your name lit up on Broadway
You could have been a dancer
Your life moving a whole lot faster
You could have had money
You could have had fame
But you fell in love
But you fell in love

Now you’re looking in her eyes
You smile as you stand by his side
He puts the ring on your finger
You smile and say I do

Chorus
You could have been famous
Your name lit up on Broadway
You could have been a dancer
Your life moving a whole lot faster
You could have had money
You could have had fame
But you fell in love
But you fell in love

Your daughter walks in one day after school
She asks you mom why can’t we have money
Dad why can’t your job be cool
You just look at her and smile
And drift off for a while

Chorus
You could have been famous
Your name lit up on Broadway
You could have been a dancer
Your life moving a whole lot faster
You could have had money
You could have had fame
But you fell in love
But you fell in love

I could have been famous
My name lit up on Broadway
She could have been a dancer
Her life moving a whole lot faster
We could have spent our whole lives, living alone
But we fell in love
But we fell in love


Please tell me what you think and give me any sujestions if you have any ok.

[Telah]

Ok you guys sorry for the dubble post but this have been read over 20 times now and no ones replyed, so please reply I wont be mad if you think its good or bad I just need some opinions on it.

[Hikalyn Sarello]

Hey, give people a chance to respond, wouldya? I know I almost -never- respond to a thread the first time I look at it. The number of views don't necessarily mean anything.

Anywhoo, well done. I really like the concept of it, actually. I'm not so sure about the rhythm of the song in some places, but then, it's really hard to tell these things when it's meant to be sung and you're just reading it. -.-;

Well, that's my little critique, for what it's worth.

[Telah]

Im sorry its just that once I saw that after 20 some veiws no one responed I go to thinking that there are hardle any responces to something when its written badly on here so I though that everyone might have though that it was really bad. I dont know if that made any sence to anyone but me but either way im sorry.

[Ondrea]

Oh what you said made perfect sense, lol I get like that too when people don't respond and there are a whole bunch of views...

But anyway, I love writing songs, and I think that is really good, especially for your first song! Also, like Hikalyn, I was a bit iffy about the rhythm in some parts (trust me, the rhythm is the hardest part to get...it makes me so frustrated sometimes) but other than that it is really good, especially when I read it while listening to 'If I could be like that'

[Faerlain]

Yeah, there is a bit of a rhythm problem, as Ondrea said. Perhaps clapping it out and singing along to the claps might help? I know that sounds kinda weird, but it might give the song a bit of tempo.

But I do like the lyrics. ^^ Nicely done.

[Telah]

I dont have much time to post right now but thanks and once I get everything recorded I'll put it up here so you all can here it. Oh and thanks for replying

[Ondrea]

np. and yay, I can't wait to hear it!

[Telah]

thanks its guna take a while to get the music though

[~xx.Fuu.xx~]

I like the lyrics! good job pat-pat!


but i do wish i could hear it.

[Telah]

Yay my Fuu Fuu Kitten replyed now im super happy:D

[~xx.Fuu.xx~]

YEAH! *lots of smiles*