Post by joey crowe on Sept 23, 2005 22:21:43 GMT
i'm going to write this from my heart and not my head.
thats prolly one of my downfall factors
although sometimes you all might agree with me when i say
i dont express enough of my own true emotions
i lost it
i lost the thing that made me, well, me.
i dont know what that is nowadays.
ill start telling the truth now.
i promise.
i feel sick.
everyday, just waking up to go back to sleep, going to sleep just to dream.
thats all i look forward to anymore, my own dreams.
they're always different and i meet new people all the time.
i dont want you to pity me, that is a sign of being weak on my part.
thats the last thing i want to be, id rather die than be weak.
i guess that's why i am in this predicament.
i found out that that halting word is exactly what i am, weak.
and the thing that really sucks is the fact that i cant change a thing about it.
i can only take so much
ive gotten to the point where i cant take anyone else's problems
and i find myself ignoring my own friends
i always told myself, you know, they dont care about your problems,
so why do you have to carry theirs?
now that is that
i'd take on a thousand demons rather than have you all blubbering like a bunch of idiots,
drowning in your own tears.
you have to be strong, because deep down, you're not sad at all.
oh, and dont even try to tell me otherwise.
everyone, what if i told you that you all never even knew the real me.
would you really be all that compassionate?
would you miss the imaginary character that i acted out everyday?
or would you call me a liar and a hypocrite.
if you do, i commend you, you have half a brain.
and if you're still carrying on, just proves how strong you are.
i never showed my tears, and look where it got me.
im a f***ing shell of a person.
there were people out there who prolly cared about me
i would never know
i didnt care at all at the time
and if you told me, i wouldnt have believed you
and for the people who hated me.
you know who you are.
why?
why in the world did you all hate me?
you're not the reason for this action on my part.
i did linger on what you may have said about me
but i shut it all away,
i couldn't afford to show that your weakness was affecting me.
that would only prove you right.
and you all know how stubborn i am.
but you don't really, because i never showed it.
okay, unto another subject
isnt it funny how everything you've bottled up for so long
just bursts out at the most inopportune moment?
thats how i felt right before i left.
and it made me sick and angry.
so angry i started to cry.
and i couldnt stop.
for the life of me i couldnt stop
so for the first time, i didnt try to stop.
and i told myself, i said, this is why you're weak.
and i felt angry because i had become exactly what i hated
a weak person who pitys themselves.
a person who cries.
and i hated myself
so when i finally stopped, i just stopped.
that was the end of the story.
no more.
but i remember being worried.
i do that a lot, worry.
worry and be scared, another thing i hated about me
i told everyone that i wasnt scared of anything
inside my mind was saying, i'm scared!
but i learned to not feel scared anymore.
i had a system.
i told myself every time i felt scared of the dark,
hey, the worst thing that could happen is if you were to die, and you're not scared of that.
and i honestly have never feared death.
so i provided myself with a false sense of comfort.
i laugh when i think of the things i was scared to death of.
witches, poltergeists, devils, hell, torture, the dark, murderers, things like that.
things that i would say that i wouldn't be as stupid to be scared of
in reality if i were ever to meet any of those things face to face, i would be quite frightened.
this one time i found that the floor under me was made of wet paper
i thought to myself for many years, i thought myself a smart kid
however, IQ is just a number
once i went to high school, i learned that the hard way.
in fact, im quite stupid.
why else would i have the blind courage to write this?
anyway, when everyone was passing me up, leaving me in the dust so to speak
i felt so stupid to not be there with them
i wanted to be the smart funny person that everyone liked
so i reinvented myself
to use big words and catch people where they were the most vounerable
and use them as fodder for laughter
another stupid ploy invented by me
i remember one dream i had, an aspiration
i wanted to be a famous actress
i wanted it so badly
but the odds are stacked, as they are for everyone
and i happen to be a weakling
i feel bad that i cant pursue that dream, but i wouldnt have made it come true anyway
my mother told me that it was unrealistic.
so from then on i counted myself a realist.
and every time i thought of something, i would list all the reasons why that wouldn't happen
a realistic point of view, i called it.
then that one person walked by me
and i saw something
i saw something i couldn't say anything about
i saw what i couldn't change
he was over-confident, a real jerk.
but one time, he spoke to me and i knew
that there was something there i needed to know about
it was a spark, not love, definately not love.
love makes you do stupidly weak things
ive never been in love, probably never will
but when he said those small words,
i cant pick the right word to describe what it looked and felt like to me.
it felt like warm gold, it looked like the moon and sun together in one place.
those words do no justice.
made me want to smile
almost made me want to tell the truth.
but i treated him differently, and things never were right.
i hid everything
all these things, ive never told anyone at all.
but i wanted to tell him, i never got the chance.
i was too stubborn, he was too big of a mean moron.
sometimes i would wonder if he acted that way to hide things too.
no, thats not possible, i said in a realistic tone.
but then again, i never asked.
so going on, here i am, sitting here, doing nothing important.
and i want to talk.
i want to speak to someone so badly
but i cant find the words to say what im feeling inside
and if i found them, i dont think i could spell them.
and i'd probably forget them by the time i've reached the words.
unfortunately i forget many things.
my stupidity has no bounds.
one time i forgot a friend's name
she asked me later, "did you seriously forget?"
i laughed and said no
but in reality i didn't even remember while i was talking to her.
sometimes i lose track of life.
it's really sad when you wake up and wish you never did
it's one of those things
when you become what you hate
you just want to crawl away
and hide yourself from the world
until things get better and you're able to show your face again.
i wrote a poem for the paper a little while ago
it was made to criticize people who think life is all roses and candy.
i hate people like that
who dance around the truth
mindlessly
not unlike puppets, twitching on sharp strings
unfortunately, in so many aspects, i've become my own hatred.
i just want to reach something
ive wanted to touch this ever since i was born
half the journey is finding what i want to reach
then the rest is stretching my hand for it
maybe...
maybe all i may want is a family
a small group of people who are all mine.
and a someone to love me forever
and a true love, not fake like everything else in this world.
and then i met someone.
i am no child.
love has never visited me, like i had said before.
so this person, he was different
he was unique, smart, funny.
all the sort of things i could understand
he smiled at me all the time.
and i remembered the other boy's smile
this new smile was one million times as striking
it was safe to say that his smile got to me
in a good way
so when he told me that we were doomed
doomed to be friends forever
i was crushed
i fell and my own broken shards stabbed me
it's the worst feeling
to like someone who does not like you
i have recovered
i always do
but for that moment, i felt like dying
and like i said, i have recovered
it's no big deal
my stomach hurts
nowadays i concentrate
as best as one can in my state of disproportion
i concentrate on music
keeps me busy, occupied
like the media for the masses
i get my words across that way nowadays
thanks for your time.
but the outer me would say "i dont want you."
the real me would say "please stay with me."
i concentrate on that outer me.
the shell of a person i mentioned earlier.
so f***ing egotistical
again, here i am becoming what I loathe
ugly as sin
thats prolly one of my downfall factors
although sometimes you all might agree with me when i say
i dont express enough of my own true emotions
i lost it
i lost the thing that made me, well, me.
i dont know what that is nowadays.
ill start telling the truth now.
i promise.
i feel sick.
everyday, just waking up to go back to sleep, going to sleep just to dream.
thats all i look forward to anymore, my own dreams.
they're always different and i meet new people all the time.
i dont want you to pity me, that is a sign of being weak on my part.
thats the last thing i want to be, id rather die than be weak.
i guess that's why i am in this predicament.
i found out that that halting word is exactly what i am, weak.
and the thing that really sucks is the fact that i cant change a thing about it.
i can only take so much
ive gotten to the point where i cant take anyone else's problems
and i find myself ignoring my own friends
i always told myself, you know, they dont care about your problems,
so why do you have to carry theirs?
now that is that
i'd take on a thousand demons rather than have you all blubbering like a bunch of idiots,
drowning in your own tears.
you have to be strong, because deep down, you're not sad at all.
oh, and dont even try to tell me otherwise.
everyone, what if i told you that you all never even knew the real me.
would you really be all that compassionate?
would you miss the imaginary character that i acted out everyday?
or would you call me a liar and a hypocrite.
if you do, i commend you, you have half a brain.
and if you're still carrying on, just proves how strong you are.
i never showed my tears, and look where it got me.
im a f***ing shell of a person.
there were people out there who prolly cared about me
i would never know
i didnt care at all at the time
and if you told me, i wouldnt have believed you
and for the people who hated me.
you know who you are.
why?
why in the world did you all hate me?
you're not the reason for this action on my part.
i did linger on what you may have said about me
but i shut it all away,
i couldn't afford to show that your weakness was affecting me.
that would only prove you right.
and you all know how stubborn i am.
but you don't really, because i never showed it.
okay, unto another subject
isnt it funny how everything you've bottled up for so long
just bursts out at the most inopportune moment?
thats how i felt right before i left.
and it made me sick and angry.
so angry i started to cry.
and i couldnt stop.
for the life of me i couldnt stop
so for the first time, i didnt try to stop.
and i told myself, i said, this is why you're weak.
and i felt angry because i had become exactly what i hated
a weak person who pitys themselves.
a person who cries.
and i hated myself
so when i finally stopped, i just stopped.
that was the end of the story.
no more.
but i remember being worried.
i do that a lot, worry.
worry and be scared, another thing i hated about me
i told everyone that i wasnt scared of anything
inside my mind was saying, i'm scared!
but i learned to not feel scared anymore.
i had a system.
i told myself every time i felt scared of the dark,
hey, the worst thing that could happen is if you were to die, and you're not scared of that.
and i honestly have never feared death.
so i provided myself with a false sense of comfort.
i laugh when i think of the things i was scared to death of.
witches, poltergeists, devils, hell, torture, the dark, murderers, things like that.
things that i would say that i wouldn't be as stupid to be scared of
in reality if i were ever to meet any of those things face to face, i would be quite frightened.
this one time i found that the floor under me was made of wet paper
i thought to myself for many years, i thought myself a smart kid
however, IQ is just a number
once i went to high school, i learned that the hard way.
in fact, im quite stupid.
why else would i have the blind courage to write this?
anyway, when everyone was passing me up, leaving me in the dust so to speak
i felt so stupid to not be there with them
i wanted to be the smart funny person that everyone liked
so i reinvented myself
to use big words and catch people where they were the most vounerable
and use them as fodder for laughter
another stupid ploy invented by me
i remember one dream i had, an aspiration
i wanted to be a famous actress
i wanted it so badly
but the odds are stacked, as they are for everyone
and i happen to be a weakling
i feel bad that i cant pursue that dream, but i wouldnt have made it come true anyway
my mother told me that it was unrealistic.
so from then on i counted myself a realist.
and every time i thought of something, i would list all the reasons why that wouldn't happen
a realistic point of view, i called it.
then that one person walked by me
and i saw something
i saw something i couldn't say anything about
i saw what i couldn't change
he was over-confident, a real jerk.
but one time, he spoke to me and i knew
that there was something there i needed to know about
it was a spark, not love, definately not love.
love makes you do stupidly weak things
ive never been in love, probably never will
but when he said those small words,
i cant pick the right word to describe what it looked and felt like to me.
it felt like warm gold, it looked like the moon and sun together in one place.
those words do no justice.
made me want to smile
almost made me want to tell the truth.
but i treated him differently, and things never were right.
i hid everything
all these things, ive never told anyone at all.
but i wanted to tell him, i never got the chance.
i was too stubborn, he was too big of a mean moron.
sometimes i would wonder if he acted that way to hide things too.
no, thats not possible, i said in a realistic tone.
but then again, i never asked.
so going on, here i am, sitting here, doing nothing important.
and i want to talk.
i want to speak to someone so badly
but i cant find the words to say what im feeling inside
and if i found them, i dont think i could spell them.
and i'd probably forget them by the time i've reached the words.
unfortunately i forget many things.
my stupidity has no bounds.
one time i forgot a friend's name
she asked me later, "did you seriously forget?"
i laughed and said no
but in reality i didn't even remember while i was talking to her.
sometimes i lose track of life.
it's really sad when you wake up and wish you never did
it's one of those things
when you become what you hate
you just want to crawl away
and hide yourself from the world
until things get better and you're able to show your face again.
i wrote a poem for the paper a little while ago
it was made to criticize people who think life is all roses and candy.
i hate people like that
who dance around the truth
mindlessly
not unlike puppets, twitching on sharp strings
unfortunately, in so many aspects, i've become my own hatred.
i just want to reach something
ive wanted to touch this ever since i was born
half the journey is finding what i want to reach
then the rest is stretching my hand for it
maybe...
maybe all i may want is a family
a small group of people who are all mine.
and a someone to love me forever
and a true love, not fake like everything else in this world.
and then i met someone.
i am no child.
love has never visited me, like i had said before.
so this person, he was different
he was unique, smart, funny.
all the sort of things i could understand
he smiled at me all the time.
and i remembered the other boy's smile
this new smile was one million times as striking
it was safe to say that his smile got to me
in a good way
so when he told me that we were doomed
doomed to be friends forever
i was crushed
i fell and my own broken shards stabbed me
it's the worst feeling
to like someone who does not like you
i have recovered
i always do
but for that moment, i felt like dying
and like i said, i have recovered
it's no big deal
my stomach hurts
nowadays i concentrate
as best as one can in my state of disproportion
i concentrate on music
keeps me busy, occupied
like the media for the masses
i get my words across that way nowadays
thanks for your time.
but the outer me would say "i dont want you."
the real me would say "please stay with me."
i concentrate on that outer me.
the shell of a person i mentioned earlier.
so f***ing egotistical
again, here i am becoming what I loathe
ugly as sin